TRIGGER WARNING: This post explores sensitive subject matters relating to suicide, depression, and other mental health issues. Please read with caution.
Some things are hard to talk about, and struggling with a mental illness is one of them. There is always a fear of being misunderstood or being treated differently by others when one decides to open up about their mental health struggles. The world isn't always kind, and some people can be malicious. In my experience, some people might even define you by your issues by saying things like, "You're this way because you're depressed..." or "You're like that because you have anxiety..."
Everyone is going through one thing or another, so we sometimes struggle to express our grievances or disappointments. There'll always be someone to remind us that they or others have it worse, so we should be grateful. "Someone somewhere is praying for what you have." As much as that might be true, I don't believe anyone is praying to have the depression or anxiety I struggle with daily. This article might be the most indulgent piece I'll ever write, but I'll relish it for now. If anything, I've not been selfish enough.
I've struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life. As a child, I just thought I was moody and had temperament issues. As an adult, I'm still moody and have a short temper. But it's so much more than that. It was the summer of 2016. I was 18 when I got diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder after I had my first anxiety attack, triggered by the fear I had over an exam I was too scared to write. It is safe to say that I failed that exam because I didn't prepare for it. But something good came out of that experience - I finally knew what was wrong with me. It was such a relief to know that I wasn't suffering so much because I'm a terrible person.
I was sick and struggling with crippling anxiety, something that was incredibly hard for me to explain to those around me. I learned from this experience that as much as people genuinely care about you, no one is patient enough to try and understand why you are the way you are. As I suffered silently, depressive episodes emerged, and they were inconsistent and excruciating. I was suicidal, and nothing was more painful than forcing myself to get out of bed every morning when all I wanted to do was not be alive anymore. My identity as an individual suffered, and for a very long time, I didn't know who I was.
Over the years, I had to learn to love myself. I got to know who I am, and I am still learning. I'm still struggling, and life hasn't been great, to be honest. But now, for whatever reason, I desperately want to live. There are days when I believe that I don't have much to live for and that I'm just here occupying space in a world that doesn't need me. But then, I watch a show I love, discover a new song, listen to an inspiring sermon, or make myself a hot cup of tea, and in those moments, life feels worth living. I live for the little things. I romanticize my life as much as possible.
Living with a mental illness isn't the easiest thing in the world. I've had to learn how to manage my mental health issues using various coping mechanisms. But what has worked for me is maintaining a balanced diet, absorbing and consuming positive things, exercising, meditation, prioritizing healthy relationships, setting boundaries with myself and others, staying informed and aware through online mental health resources, taking time to rest, and lots of prayers. I honestly and wholeheartedly recommend therapy if it's something you can afford. I always like to joke around and say that the minute I become wealthy, the first thing I'm spending my money on is therapy because I most definitely need it.
These days, I do what's best for me. Depression is still there. Anxiety never left, and the suicidal thoughts come and go. But every day, I try to remind myself that I have a purpose on this earth, and it's why I'm still here. I am continuously evolving, and I'm not perfect. Honestly, I have no aspirations towards perfection. Life is already so complex and complicated. Why take on much more pressure? I feel like a little bit of my heart breaks every day. Perhaps it's because I've gone through a lot. But I suppose other people have it worse. So, I should just be grateful.
I am. I wouldn't have made it this far if all I did was complain. I try as much as I can to appreciate the good things and people that still exist in my life. I thank God every day for preserving my life. I certainly didn't make it this far with just my strength alone. I am still determining what the future holds. I only hope and pray that I'll have the strength to overcome whatever comes my way. During my journey, I've learned that it's okay to lead a life that others don't understand. Only some have to understand us.
The best thing we can do for ourselves is be honest about who we are. People will always have something to say about your choices and actions, so live your life for yourself and no one else. I spent most of my late teens and early twenties conforming to other people's standards and being the most inauthentic version of myself to please others. All that did was cause me to be resentful and angry with myself and others. As I approach my late twenties, I have decided to live strictly by my standards. I live to please no one but myself and God, most importantly.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. - 2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT)
How do you choose to stay alive when you feel like dying?
You keep living. You keep going. Even if it rained today, the sun will shine again tomorrow. Your brightest days are still ahead of you. There will be many things to make you smile and laugh, many people you will come to love, and many places you will explore. But you'll never know if you don't keep going.
Pain is a familiar friend that will always be there. There will always be pain and hardship in life. You can't escape that, even if you're wealthy or successful. Mental health struggles can affect anyone. You're not weak because you struggle with anything. It's very human to struggle. You're not suffering because you're a terrible person. You care about being better, and you want to live. That may be why you're reading this. Whatever your reason is, know that you're not in this alone. The world is too big for you to exist alone in it. And if you're yet to find your tribe, hang in there. God has already placed the right people on your path, so continue to trust Him with your journey, even if it's hard.
You deserve to be here, so stay a little longer and see how good your life can be.
Thank you for making it this far. Thank you for being here. I'll see you in the next story, friend.
Warmly, Grace.
EXPLORE MORE ARTICLES & RESOURCES:
Mental health awareness is as vital as ever. If you or anyone you know is struggling with mental health issues, don't be afraid to seek help. Your problems do not define you. You are so much more than what you're going through. Stay in the light so others can find you. Don't hide yourself away.
MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS LINES:
KLINIC Crisis Line: 204-786-8686
Manitoba Suicide Line: 1-877-435-7170
Crisis Stabilization Unit: 204-940-3633
Mobile Crisis Service: 204-940-1781
Youth Mobile Crisis Team: 204-949-4777
Seneca House: 204-942-9276 (7:00 P.M. - 11:00 P.M.)
Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868
MB Farm & Rural Support Services: 1-866-367-3276
Take care of yourself. You matter.
This feels like a hug
🥰🥰